Down Da' Rabbit Hole

Work and facebook

2009-11-11T22:11:00.002+08:00

Hmm. This has been mentioned before, but it seems that since I started face-booking, my blogging has seriously dropped.

Well, that's okay. I'll come back to this thing when I feel like it. For now, it seems I have other options. :)

The power of nationalism

2009-10-26T19:42:00.005+08:00

I hear that there's a National Unity Forum over at Sunway University College today. I wonder how it went? Maybe something like....

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I want to tell you about a great success story in national unity which our country may follow. Let's call this country the country of TUAN.

Now, TUAN had historically lost an important war. As the losers of the war, there were a great many penalties imposed on the country of TUAN The morale of the people of the country was in shambles, and there was a lot of infighting. Worse of all, there was a great disparity in the economic success of the ethnic groups in the country, with a great deal of the money of the country laid in the hands of a particular minority race. The race which held the majority status on the other hand suffered greatly due to the harsh penalties imposed on them from the war.

Eventually, a charismatic leader took a try at politics in his country. He cried for national pride, for a unity of the nation to rise up against all odds. He emphasised that this unity could only happen through the unity of culture, values, race and religion, and that the success of TUAN could only come through this national pride in their identity as a nation. A unity of culture and values.

This method of unifying the country has been around for a long time - it was called nationalism.

The majority of the people of TUAN heeded this charismatic leader's cry for unity, and bore their identity as a race and as a nation with pride. They worked hard to develop themselves and their country, to make TUAN the strongest country they could be. It worked wonderfully.

Unfortunately, there was a barrier to this unity. The minority race which held a great deal of wealth in the country had a completely different culture from the rest of the people - worse, this minority race had a different religion and language from the rest of the nation. Making these people a part of the country's identity as a nation was a huge challenge.

The charismatic leader took hold of the situation in the most efficient manner he could think of - he segregated these people from the rest of the country and put them in towns dedicated to this minority race. No longer would these minority race stand in the way of the progress of this great nation, TUAN. No longer would they stand in the way of the unity of the identity of the nation.

No longer would they live.

In the mean time, the country of TUAN prospered greatly under this leader's rule. The harsh penalties which were imposed upon TUAN were actually paid up very quickly, shocking the other countries which had won out in the last war. And the country of TUAN became such a strong and powerful nation, and their pride in their identity as a nation so solid, that they decided that their people and nation should be the TUAN over all nations.

The name of that nation was Germany. That charismatic leader that united his nation to become a mighty power was Hitler.

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¹Now the whole world had one language and a common speech. ² As men moved eastward, they found a plain in Shinar and settled there.

³ They said to each other, "Come, let's make bricks and bake them thoroughly." They used brick instead of stone, and tar for mortar. ⁴ Then they said, "Come, let us build ourselves a city, with a tower that reaches to the heavens, so that we may make a name for ourselves and not be scattered over the face of the whole earth."

⁵ But the LORD came down to see the city and the tower that the men were building. ⁶ The LORD said, "If as one people speaking the same language they have begun to do this, then nothing they plan to do will be impossible for them. ⁷ Come, let us go down and confuse their language so they will not understand each other."

⁸ So the LORD scattered them from there over all the earth, and they stopped building the city. ⁹ That is why it was called Babel —because there the LORD confused the language of the whole world. From there the LORD scattered them over the face of the whole earth.

-Genesis 11:1-9

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Nationalism is a tool of men, made by men in order to gain power over the people. Consider embracing cosmopolitanism instead, the LORD sure did.

Adventures in diet control!

2009-10-05T23:52:00.004+08:00

Aaaand I've officially got a tummy now. There's a first for everything, I guess. Some of that weight must have gone to the stomach after all. *sighs*

Gosh, I need to diet. I don't take much oil or fats, so that means I must have been taking too much carbo. So less carbo in diet. Bleh, so much for easy ham sandwiches.

-------------------

Me: Auugh! Cramps cramps cramps!

Later,
Mum: You've been glugging down a lot of water since you started gymming, right dear?
Me: Yes mum.
Me: You've been sweating out all the salt and drinking so much water that you don't have enough salt in your system.

Salt it's salt now? Gosh, that's a new one. What can I do for salt? isotonic drinks, regular chap fan and salty food, but what about at home? Preferably something with protein in it... AHA!

Roasted salted peanuts!

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...erm, I'm not going to explain why I have a need for fibre. Use your own imagination.

Anyway, I don't want bananas (too much starch/carbo) or papaya (hate the stuff) and my usual wholemeal bread sandwiches are out since i'm cutting carbo, so that leaves my options to taking large amounts of vegetables or...

Prunes!

---------------

Me: Hrmmm. I need protein, but all this ham and turkey ham is expensive... and it's processed food. Convenient, but maybe not all that good for me in more than one way. So how? ....hrm, chicken fillets are going for that much only? Cheaper than chicken breast?

So I had to buy I started cooking again.

First few times: Stir fried chicken fillets in olive oil... and dunking in some canned corn. Mostly tasteless since I didn't buy ingredients (like soy sauce, salt, garlic, vegetable and so on)

Next time however...

Me: Guh, so bored of research... *dunks corn into stir fry wok while frying chicken* This was so tasteless last time, time to use the stuff i bought! *throws in soya sauce* Ooops, too much! Oh, nevermind. *throws in oyster sauce as well*

...*fry fry fry*...

Me: Still feel bored. Isn't there any way to make it more interesting?...

...*fry fry fry*...

*throws in prunes*

Me: ...Okay, maybe that wasn't such a good idea.

...*fry fry fry*...

Me: Oh, what the heck. *throws in roasted peanuts*

...*fry fry fry*...

Me: And done! Time for the taste test!

*eats*

Me: ...too salty.

*pours a little water over then drains water out*

Me: ...okay, not nearly as bad as I thought it would be!

Soooooo... anyone want to try stir fried chicken fillet in corn, peanuts and prunes?

------

Me: So busy with research! Can't gym this week, hence I shall eat much less! Let's see how much this will shrink my tummy!

At the end of the week,

Me: Gah, that's enough of research! How's the tummy? *measures* A whole inch! Not bad, but how much weight did I lose?

Me: *weights* ...I lost 2kg in a week???? ...*dies*

Sharing a story

2009-09-22T23:02:00.004+08:00

Very happy, a little scared, very hopeful. That's how I felt when I committed myself to a relationship with someone.

...huh. I was supposed to sleep early but spent the whole night looking for my last announcement post when I first hooked up with my ex as a reference for this one. Apparently there wasn't any.

Looks like the start of a new chapter in our lives, our story. Seems to be off to a good start, with plenty more wonderful times anticipated. :)

Gymming and exercise

2009-09-03T21:02:00.008+08:00

I've been gymming pretty regularly now. Started in March actually, but had to stop for a few months due to a nasty knee injury during Body Combat. I didn't even bother checking for results in any manner, figuring that my body would downright refuse to put on any weight no matter what I did.

Well, apparently I weight 3-4 kgs more since then, more than I ever have in the 29 years of my life. I don't think much of it has gone to my stomach either - pants are a bit more fitting, but not tight. Since then I've looked more carefully a subtle difference... not much though. But still, I'm quite happy about the extra weight. (Though to be honest, I would have though that much extra weight would be noticable immediately)

I'm not really sure how much of it came from the extra exercise (comprised ENTIRELY of Body Pump sessions, once to twice weekly), or the extra diet. But the definite (if minor) improvement has made me realise that change IS possible.

So I've moved from only Body Pump to resistance training as well, 3 times a week. And taken a bit more care with my diet as compared to "when I remember, makan". So yeah, a bit more serious with the workout now.

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One thing I've realised is that the sides of my chest are subtly improving... but the middle not at all. So no longkang for me. Recently I've been trying a resistance machine which focuse only on the chest, and realised that I had a very big difference in difficulty closing the last bit of the workout compared to the startup.

What part of the chest muscle did closing the last bit need?... ah. The middle of the chest. I've been doing equivalents of bench presses and push ups, which don't really involve that part of the pectorals. You'd think that would have dawned on me sooner...

And thus I've been introduced to the wonderful world of targeted body sculpting. Time to work on that longkang. Any advice, anyone?

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As for meals, i've been trying to work in extra meals into my diet. Mostly turkey ham sandwiches (wholemeal bread), as I need the fibre too. (Don't ask.)

A quick sift through the internet, and the advice apparently is that I should be consuming 1.2g of protein everyday for each pound I weight. About 150x1.2= 180 grams of protein. That doesn't sound too hard, right? Surely I'm already consuming that amount.

But wait! That's how much protein I should be consuming, not weight in meat. A cursory look at how much protein a kg of meat has... ermmm, most meats seem to have a weight to protein ratio of about 4:1 so the amount of meat I need to consume is 4x180 = 720 grammes.

Wait, what?

720 grammes of meat a DAY???

That's ludicrous! 100 grammes is like one half of a chicken breast. So 720 grammes is like eating 7.2 chicken breasts halves EVERY DAY.

These are three chicken breast halves. I should eat about 7 everyday.

Already my current eating regime makes me feel bloated throughout the day and have a generally unhappy stomach! But 720 grammes of meat??? I'll be farting so often that my workstation will be declared as a biohazard zone! Are there any other options?

Letsee, egg white from one egg gives... 4g only? why did I even bother?

One bottle of V-soy (yummy) has ...9g? That's a lot actually... but it's vegtable protein so it's worth much less cos it's hard to absorb I think.

Anyone want to correct my calculations?

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P.S. Until today, still cannot go through a whole session of Body Pump without taking a break to rest. >.> Only one in the class who has to do that. Malu betul...

The paintings

2009-08-31T13:58:00.003+08:00

My apartment has been accused of being bare and devoid of... well, generally bare. The painting on the feature wall isn't even one I chose myself, rather it's from the previous owners. Painting of running horses... very Chinese taste, that. I've been looking about at art pieces recently with a mind to replace that one ever since I saw a painting of flowers at midvalley...

It wasn't a very detailed painting - quite teh opposite really. Very geometric shapes, petal-less flowers and vivid, solid colors. A modern art piece to be sure, of flowers in a vase. I passed by it once, and the second time I passed the shop I asked the salegirl to take it out under a pile for mee to see again.

Saleperson: Oh, this is a nice one... (when I heard her say this, warning bells should have already start to ring.)
Me: So how much is it?
Salesperson: RM550.
Me: ...Oh. Hrm.

(RM550??? I was willing to pay half of that!)

I didn't buy it, but confirmed with the salegirl that the stall would be up for a week. So I had one week to decide to buy the painting or not.

In the end, I decided against it. It would have been my first pruchase of an art piece, and I wasn't very confident about my taste in art yet. I should get a bit more exposure and see what's available around before buying such expensive pieces of art.

---

Later in Ikano, a lower ground floor, while walking with a friend (Junior I think)

Me: !!! Hold on yah, spotted a nice painting...
Junior: ?...

I made a quick stop at the painting shop. Lots of painting of Budhha heads, but I wasn't interested in those. The painting that really stood out for me was a modern art piece which looked like a countryside scenery... again, using simple shapes yet I liked the composition. Wouldn't this be lovely for my feature wall? A glance at the price tag...

RM6,800

Of course, I immediately ran back to Junior and regaled my horror at the price.
Junior: Yeah, no surprise. Paintings are like that what.
Me: But it's a little shop in the Curve, not an art gallery!

----

I bet that last painting is still there, waiting to adorn somebody's wall. You can see it in Ikano, I think the lower ground floor. The shop is very obvious for its many paintings of Budhha heads in it.

Laundry with Mum

2009-07-27T20:00:00.003+08:00

After from a satisfying weekend in Singapore, followed by a week in Penang (work training), I took out my laundry from my Penang trip to add to the laundry basket...

...only to find it was already overflowing. I had work on Sunday the next day too. Er, oops?

It was dire situations like these where one must take emergency options.

*dials on phone* "Hey mum! There's something I need help with..."

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Mum: You see, you should separate the whites from the blacks like this.

Me: Uh huh.

Mum: *holding up a small white and black striped shirt* ...this shirt is very small.

Me: Hey, my friends helped me choose it. You think that's small? Hold on. *trudge to room and pulls out a whiteshirt*

Me: This is the shirt SK chose for me. (Wait for it...)

Mum: *gawks at shirt with mouth open*

Me: (One, two, three, four, five...)

Mum: ...she chose THAT? Can you even wear THAT?

Me: (Five seconds!) Takes getting used to. Big, oversized shirts are no longer in fashion mum.

Mum: So THAT is in fashion?

Me: Erm... Well... actually.... no straight man would be caught dead wearing a shirt this size.

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Me: I so need to buy new underwear.

Mum: Hrm?

Me: For one thing, my underwear is really old.

Mum: And?

Me: And I think some of them are dad's. (He passed away not long ago)

Mum: Ewwwwww~~~!

It's here!

2009-07-04T17:42:00.003+08:00

...or at least it's in Japan.

You can not advance

If you've been following my blog, you'd know I'm an Evangelion fan. Pretty much a flawed jewel, as I've mentioned in previous posts. But I love it all the same.

The latest Evangelion movies are actually a remake of the television series that made a stupendous amount of money for Gainax in merchendise (what, gross USD2 billion????). The Eva movies are a great way to milk a money cow, for sure. (It appears to be beating the most successful movies in Japan in the year so far)

The first of four movies has come and gone, the latest one which I want to watch is the second in the series. While the first movie was nearly a scene for scene replication of the original animation aired on tv, the second one is soooooooo different from the original apparently that fans just *have* to watch it to see the differences for themselves. To put things into perspective, rabid anime fans are the type of people who take great offense to a small change in the name of a character.

So yeah. Can't wait to watch the show myself, trying very hard not to read the evil EVIL spoilers all over the internet. It's going to take a very long time before the show comes to (limitted) screens in Malaysia or DVD though. :(

Youtube/surfing addiction

2009-06-10T22:21:00.006+08:00

I forgot to sleep last night again. Spent the night watching random youtubey things like Naga the Serpent's infamous laugh (from the anime Slayers) and Spiderman Unlimitted and the glorious glorious TV Troupes website. The last one is a hilarious listing of "tricks of the trade for writing fiction."

Check out this entry on "Lampshade hanging"!

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Lampshade hanging

"If I live to be 100, I will never understand why they keep so many damn weapons under the ring. It's like they want the wrestlers to use them on each other..."
— Jim Ross, WWE RAW

Lampshade Hanging is the writers' trick of dealing with any element of the story that threatens the audience's Willing Suspension Of Disbelief—whether a very implausible plot development, or a particularly egregious use of a trope—by calling attention to it... and then moving on.

The reason for this counter-intuitive strategy is two-fold. First, it assures the audience that the author is aware of the implausible plot development that just happened, and that he isn't trying to slip something past the audience. Second, it assures the audience that the world of the story is like Real Life: what's implausible for you or me is just as implausible for these characters, and just as likely to provoke an incredulous response...

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Brilliant stuff. I love it soooo much! *gleee* There's more content to that entry on lampshade hanging, but I think you get the idea from there. :P

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In the mean time, I'm considering adding one of those little song playing thingies to my blog. Travesty, I know. But check out this song!

Wouldn't this song be just perfect on my blog? =:3

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SBB says:

You've *got* to be kidding me.

SBB seal of disapproval

(another) What ever happened to...

2009-06-03T23:32:00.005+08:00

...dating?

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Me: Hrm. I noticed that most of the gay couples I know got hitched up very quickly. Love at first sight, all of them. (Myself included)

Sinner: Really? Did they last long?

Me: Most of them about two years so far. Only two real break-ups i can think of now, and that includs myself.

Sinner: Well, I guess it's different for (gay) guys. A girl will want to go dating, be romanced and chased after. For us, if there's a mutual interest it happens. That's it.

------------

Erm hrmmmmm.

But doesn't dating actually serve a purpose? The whole getting to know each other thing? Surely you can't really get to know a person immediately.

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"...But another, more useful purpose of dating is to learn. We need some experience to learn what we want in a partner, what we don't want, how to communicate our needs, how to serve the other's needs without disrespecting ourselves, and what it feels like to love, be loved, and even how to be strong enough to part when we know it's time..."

"...Dating is a selection process. The problem is that most people don't have a clear idea of what they're looking for. That's why it's important to make a list of qualities that you're looking for. Then, when a person falls short of matching that list, it's important to say, "Next."... " -Kara Oh, Alive with Love.

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Hrmm. But how well does that apply to gay men?

Can gay men really be very choosy? You know, not a whole lot of fish in the ocean for gay men sort of thing. So if we find someone who seems halfway decent, perhaps its wise to 'grab' before he's taken by someone else. It's not like dating is really going to tell you how compatible you are anyway. And how long do you really need to date to get to know what a person's like?

Still. Having just come out of a relationship recently myself, I feel like being cautious. I had really put in a lot of effort and made a lot of sacrifices into my last relationship - not that that's a bad thing, but I feel hesitant to jump into another one immediately. But I may have already let opportunities pass me by.

What do you guys think?

Opportunity comes knocking

2009-05-27T11:41:00.004+08:00

Lately I've just finished a contract of part-time work. So I'm a bit more free lately, wondering about employment issues. In fact, I was just thinking to myself yesterday, "Wouldn't it be funny if a job opportunity dropped itself on my lap all the sudden?"

Today I just got a phone call from my old employer back in Melaka. They want me back for teaching and training. They want to expand their services it seems.

Huh. Not quite what I had in mind.

I liked working in my old workplace. I already get along with the staff there, and I know I can do my job well there. Pay is of the non-profit organization variety of course.

Working in Melaka means living there though. Away from KL.

It's funny. Of all people, I should know that nothing lasts forever, and eventually people will move away. I'm used to traveling and staying in other (mostly unfamiliar) places for decent periods of times. As a matter of fact, I've been considering the need to move overseas before 2012 i.e. the next elections. Even made some arrangements that would help me move to Australia if needed.

But the thought of leaving KL really irks me. Life in KL has been really good to me. Since I've come here, I've had the opportunity to make up my own home, experience a relationship and most importantly, make valued friendships. Not that I can't make friends anywhere else, but you guys know who you are and why you're special.

You see, I tend to associate places I've stayed in with my experiences during my stay there. And I've come to realize that KL represents some of the happiest days in my whole life. I'm one of the most fortunate people in the world.

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"Mr. Finch: Imagine what you could do. Think of the civilizations you could save. Pergunot. Lysinder. Your own people Doctor, standing tall. The Time Lords, reborn.

Sarah Jane Smith: Doctor, don't listen to him!

Mr. Finch: And you could be with him throughout eternity. Young, fresh. Never wither, never age...never die. Their lives are so fleeting. So many goodbyes. How lonely you must be, Doctor. Join us.

The Doctor: I could save everyone.

Mr. Finch: Yes.

The Doctor: I could stop the war.

Sarah Jane Smith: No. The universe has to move forward. Pain and loss, they define us as much as happiness or love. Whether it's a world, or a relationship... Everything has its time. And everything ends." - Doctor Who, "School Reunion"

Must we say goodbye?

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Employer: Do you know J*** L***? We want to make him executive director over the new branch you'll be working in.
Me: Er, who's that again?
Employer: You should know him. He was the pastor at your father's funeral.
Me: OH GODS!
Employer: ...oh. That bad huh?

The guy was one of those many people who my late father had *plenty* of time to talk about his ungrateful children. During the funeral, I think have the crowd had this disapproving look on their faces, and there were carefully inserted mentions in the speeches of the need of 'forgiveness' and so on. Somehow, I don't think I would want to be working under this guy anytime soon.

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Everything ends... eventually. But not just yet. :)

Pumpkin

2009-05-10T20:39:00.002+08:00

Just wanted to share this rockin' video with you all. Enjoy!

The Photo Album, part 2

2009-05-04T10:42:00.005+08:00

"...but what if a picture comes out and your father sees a picture of me?" my mum asked, referring to the photo album that I was bringing.

"Oh, that's easy. I'll just say that's the maid," I replied.

She rolled her eyes, "Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmph. I'm so fortunate for having such a clever son."

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Just remembered this bit. Lol...

The Photo Album

2009-05-02T03:11:00.005+08:00

It was an inspired moment.

"Oh, this is so lovely" my mum said, smiling as she took a picture of her ex-husband posing with her children out from one photo album and passed it to me.

I placed the photograph into another photo album in my lap, using it to cover a picture of my mum. The photo album I was holding was looking positively curious; photos of my biological father from all eras were randomly scattered throughout. And underneath each misplaced photo of my father was a hidden photo of my mum.

The effect was a photo album full of random pictures of my father, mostly posing together with me and my brother when we were children. What was missing was any picture of my mother. Or hidden away, to be more precise.

I had arrived in town the night before, hoping to meet my father who had lapsed into a coma that day. It had been too late at night to visit, so I had to settle for visiting the morning after. But not before making preparations.

My brother had arrived earlier, so he had the chance to see how my father's condition really was. The man was lapsing in and out of consciousness, and when he was conscious he was delirious. Apparently thought my brother was working in the Royal Bank of Scotland, and was delighted he could make it from... Scotland.

Hence the editted photo album.

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"What's that?" My aunt would ask.

"Morphine. The best kind," I would reply as I walked into the room to speak to my father in private.

"Look. This is your life," I would say, as I would open the pages of the photo album and show it to my father. Inside would be picture upon picture of himself posing with his young children. Pictures of his success, of him being a father.

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It was a brilliant plan. It depended of course on the fact that the poor man was delirious. That way he didn't have to think of what happened after the scenes in the photos. He could enjoy every moment depicted in each photo, missing any unpleasant memories or blemishes. Because he was delirious, he could enjoy the early days of his first marriage without remembering that he was ever held accountable for his actions and suffered the consequences that followed.

But did the photo album show him everything he had, or everything he had lost?

Holding the finished photo album in hand, I arrived at my father's new house that morning with my presentation for the dying man rehearsed in my head. But my aunt's first sentence to me was quite different from the one I expected.

"He passed away early this morning," my aunt said,"I only found out when I arrived today myself."

You're too late.

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This is not fiction. The recollection of the events are accurate, but in truth it's not nearly as sad as it sounds in writing. I was disappointed that I arrived too late to give the photo album, but a part of me didn't mind all that much. The dying, delirious man would have enjoyed looking through the album, but something felt terribly wrong about it. It was as if I was taking advantage of the a dying man's inability to think properly in order to feed him a wonderful lie.

The photo album was indeed a curious thing. Was it truly an object of kindness, or in actual fact an object of ultimate cruelty?

Funeral

2009-04-30T22:38:00.001+08:00

Just came back from my father's funeral. Blog posts are coming up.

Coma

2009-04-27T17:35:00.003+08:00

Screw it. I'm going to cancel everything and make my way down.

What ever happened to...

2009-04-27T12:19:00.003+08:00

...the kid that played Doogie Howser, M. D. ?

Surprisingly hard to find anything on Doogie Howser. Only the first minute of this video is Doogie Howser, ignore the rest of the vid.

The actor, Neil Patrick Harris, is 37 now if I'm not mistaken. Apart from landing up various roles in various shows and movies, he sometimes does stints like this;

The guy came out of the closet not long ago... but I think this vid kind of did that for him anyway. :P

Sow

2009-04-21T13:05:00.003+08:00

What do you invest your life in?
What do you care about?
Where does your heart lie?

What cards are in your hands? What resources, skills and talents do you possess?
How do you play your cards?

Are you a sporting player?
Do you play nice?
Do you play well with other people in the game of life?

"What you don't know won't hurt you."
"You would do the same thing in my shoes."
"I did it because I could."

"What you don't know (about what I did) won't hurt you."
"You would do the same thing in my shoes (but please don't do that to me)."
"I did it because I (thought I) could (get away with it)."

Life has only one real lesson for us all; There are consequences for every action or inaction we take. For better or ill, we make decisions which affect our own lives and the people around us. You take your chances, weight the risks and reap the benefits. Or tragedy.

People expect kindness for those who are dying, in spite of what lack of kindness they had throughout their lives. But does the fact that one is dying automatically erase his past wrongdoings? Does it make him a good person? Does he suddenly deserve love and respect?

Do onto others as you would have them do onto you. If you don't care about their thoughts and feelings, don't expect people to give you such a luxury. If you only look out for yourself, then you will die by yourself. And once your children see you as an man who is below respect, how do you expect them to care about your passing away?

In the end, you always reap what you sow.

Liver cancer? That doesn't impress me much. I may yet follow in your footsteps after all.

Stop telling me to what I should do.

To have a taste

2009-04-09T04:33:00.005+08:00

"And when the hourglass has run out, the hourglass of temporality, when the noise of secular life has grown silent and its restless or ineffectual activism has come to an end, when everything around you is still, as it is in eternity, then eternity asks you and every individual in these millions and millions about only one thing: whether you have lived in despair or not." - Soren Kierkegaard, "The Sickness Unto Death"

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Well. This year started out verrrrry 'happening'-ly to say this least, where I was meeting people every weekend and during the weekdays as well. For the past few weeks however, I suddenly find myself stranded in my room by myself and writing blog posts at god knows what hour of the day. Thanks, knee injury.

Normally, I don't really mind be alone. I am accustomed to living by myself during my days studying overseas. Comes with being antisocial. I lived as a very shut in kind of guy. To be fair though, I was pretty depressed back in those days.

This time around feels different. Maybe it's the huge contrast from how the year started. But normally during my shut in days I'd use computer entertainment (read 'games') to keep myself busy. Heck, the games were what kept me sane during those bad times. But I don't enjoy computer games in the same way I used to. Heck, I spend a lot of time on facebook more than anything else. I guess I can attribute that to my 'social' side starting to develop. Huh... took me 28 years of my life to get my 'social' brain running? That's kind of retarded, actually.

I've been really enjoying my life recently. Maybe, again, it's the contrast. What my life is now compared to those bad times, as I keep mentioning. But really, I'm quite contented with life in spite of being bored to tears of being shut in for the past week. I miss seeing everyone and going out, but yearning is an okay thing. It's a good sort of yearning; the kind where you've had a chance to taste something good. Things which one had lost hope of every having a chance to taste, yet was given the opportunity to do so.

Like a how one may view a relationship after the breakup ; it was sweet while it lasted. Only you're glad that you had the opportunity to have a relationship at all, and one that was sweet. Thankful that you had been so blessed, even if temporarily.

The other odd thing is that I don't really fear tragedy or loss... or death. It's quite similar I suppose; it's as if you've had a chance to taste the goodness that life has to offer you and you can pass on with no regrets. And if it was taken away from you, that's not all that bad. Only, that moment in now, and death and loss is not yet near. Or is it?

Things are looking good.

----------------------------

"I remember one morning getting up at dawn, there was such a sense of possibility. You know, that feeling? And I remember thinking to myself this is the beginning of happiness. This is where it starts. And of course there will always be more. It never occurred to me it wasn't the beginning. It was happiness. It was the moment. Right then." - Clarissa Vaughan, The Hours

The quote from Clarissa Vaughan above (played by Meryl Streep) is at the 3:33 mark of this video. Music is "Morning Passages" by Phillip Glass.

Knee Injury

2009-03-28T20:08:00.003+08:00

I've sprained my knee... possibly a torn ligament but I don't think it's that bad. So much for weekend plans, or weekday plans either.

Basically, it was Body Combat. There was this lunging/stepping forward punch which looked pretty weird to me. Basically I stomped too hard and my knee gave way under the impact. Down I went, landing on my elbow badly too. Hmph.

Janvier was with me at the time, so he took the trouble of bringing me home and calling his bf 'the chief' in to help with the transport. Really appreciate their help in my time of need... and pain. Thank you so much guys! Don't know what I'd do without you.

Much hopping ensued. Think my left leg and hand are going to become really strong from all the hopping and supporting.

I'm pretty stuck in the house now - can't even manage crutches since my right elbow can't really manage them either.

Well, here's to Earth Hour.

In sickness and health

2009-03-26T14:41:00.002+08:00

"One out of ten???"

My friend nodded.

Friend: That's according to UN statistics, based on hospital records. For gay men in Thailand, it's about one in every three gay men.

Me: That's stupendously high! Ridiculous! We're in South East Asia, not Nigeria, okay?

Friend: Actually I think its higher. A lot of them are too scared to go for blood test or have other reasons not to test. Can't be bothered.

Me: I just can't imagine one in every ten gay men having HIV.

Friend: Believe it. I'm sure some of your friends have also.

Me: Erm... no. I really don't think so.

Friend: Not sexually active meh? If they're faithful also, could be they got it from their previous partner who is sexually active, or previously they are sexually active.

Me: Hmmmph. (Name)'s boyfriend lost his virginity to him... so did (name)'s boyfriend...

Friend: ...okay, maybe not.

------------

A very morbid conversation (and blog post), to be sure. According to this guy I was talking to, his friends apparently are all in danger from getting HIV due to sexual lifestyle (or from sexual lifestyle of bfs). But they're afraid to go for blood testing.

Friend: Because if you go for the blood test and it turns out positive, you can't go on living the same way. So better if you don't know.

Me: ...what a way to view it.

And why do I get this feeling I live in a different world from this particular friend, even though we're both gay? More importantly... how long will this separation last?

As long as possible, I hope. I don't want to fear that myself or my friends are constantly in danger.

-----------------------

Speaking of which, I've mentioned that I was a Hepatitis B carrier before. I've had it since I was very young (at least 5 years old)... my father contracted it first and somehow I got it too. Knowing him, he probably got it from a hooker either in Thailand or KL. (Yes, seriously.) He's dying from liver cancer now though, no doubt due to the Hep B virus.

I pretty much share the same type of physical body as my father - body shape and features are practically the same. The Hep B cell count in my blood is helluva high too. 40, 000 cells per mL of blood is considered high apparently... but I've got 6 millions Hep B cells per mL of my blood.

Oh yeah, it doesn't look good.

So I'm quite aware that I'm likely to go the way of my father in the future, i.e. liver cancer. Heck, if my body decided to kill all the Hep B cells in one go, 6 millions cells per mL sounds like it's enough to give me liver failure like Kugan. But I'm no doctor.

Lately I thought about it because the same friend I mentioned earlier commented that I may have poor stamina at gym and leg cramp cos of diabetes or similar reasons. I immediately though of the Hep B cells. I suppose feeding that much Hep B cells can't be too good for me, even though my liver hasn't started taking damage yet. Which also means that I can't take medicine yet because my body hasn't started to fight it off. I think....the doctors' explaination was semi-conflicting.

Body Pump yesterday was pretty tough. >.< I'm not sore today though - just that I tire easily. Hrmmmm.

Great Expectations...or not.

2009-03-22T02:34:00.004+08:00

Hmmmmmmmmm.

Seems like my last post has sparked some sort of...interest? Conflict? Confusion? Let me explain myself.

Of course, I don't really have 'great expectations' of my future boyfriend. More accurately, I have almost no expectations at all which I've come to realize may be on the other extreme. As in "aaaanyone will do for me".... obviously that's no good either, right?

Let me put it in another way.

What do you think will make your future relationship work? (Focusing on qualities your partner has)

Even the very basic stuff like genuine love are a valid answer. Because everyone's definition of love is a little different, and you can't take love for granted. No, really you can't. What does love mean to each of us, really? How much attention? How much selflessness? How much care? I knew a man whose definition of his love for people (and how he shows it) was very different from what his definition of how people should love him.

Spoken or unspoken, expectations of love exist.

In fact, I'm trying to think through all the very basic things that make a relationship work, from the perspective of what qualities I want to build in myself as well as see in my future partner to be.

"Now, I return to this young fellow. And the communication I have got to make is, that he has great expectations." - Great Expectations, Charles Dickens

The typical gay man in Malaysia starts dating other men much later than straight couples (failed experiments with girls don't count, sorry!). Often when we first become financially independent. At that point, the issue of sex has already entered the equation. Where as people who date during their teens (who have obediently staved off sex) have to concentrate a lot more on the person rather than how good the sex was.

I mean, how often do you hear teenagers say that sex is the most important factor of a relationship?

I believe I've made this point before; typically gay men have less experience in relationships. I'm no exception - right now I'm trying to figure how to differentiate people I should pass on and those I should keep?

"Aaaaaaaaanyone will do for me" isn't a good approach, okay?

Let's not over-romanticize; not everyone is a good match for each other. It may be a good idea to recognize who we are, who would like to be with us and who we would like to be with.

Great Expectations

2009-03-20T01:37:00.008+08:00

This is the BIG AND GRAND TOPIC. Oh yes. In caps no less, lol.

This is the blog post where I ask myself and ask you the reader:

What qualities do you want in your life partner?

(Recommended for singles only! Trust me, stay awaaaay from this blog topic if you're already happily attached. Don't say I didn't warn you.)

This topic's been mulling in my head for awhile now, and Derek's last post made me decide that I had to blog about it now and not later, even though my own thoughts on the matter are not settled yet. (Which means there's guaranteed to be a "Great Expectations II" post)

Right now I'm pretty happy just making friends. I've sort of come to the conclusion that I want to be a stable and happy single until I know what I want and meet someone suitable. So there's two parts to that; the fact that I want to get myself in order before making room for someone else in my life and the fact I'm not prepared to find a lover by virtue of not knowing what to look for. The second part is something that needs to be fixed soon as I'm reaching my 30-ies soon and don't really have enough experience in relationships yet to know what's needed to make a relationship work... with me.

Heck, I'm listing this topic as sooooo important that it gets it's own label.

So, what do I want exactly?...

...

...

I can't think of anything.

This topic is making my head feel like it's caving in and I'm tired from working til 11pm, so I'm going to give it some more thought and come back to it later. Prepare your answers for the second topic, readers!

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Friend: So what did you see in this last guy you were interested in, anyway?
Me: Huh? He seemed nice?
Friend: Seemed nice is a copout. When I met (name here) I knew I liked his (specific examples here). So what did you see in that guy?
Me: Er...
Me: (I honestly don't know.)

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Sherlock Holmes seemed delighted at the idea of sharing his rooms with me. "I have my eye on a suite in Baker Street," he said, "which would suit us down to the ground. You don't mind the smell of strong tobacco, I hope?"

"I always smoke 'ship's' myself," I answered.

"That's good enough. I generally have chemicals about, and occasionally do experiments. Would that annoy you?"

"By no means."

"Let me see--what are my other shortcomings. I get in the dumps at times, and don't open my mouth for days on end. You must not think I am sulky when I do that. Just let me alone, and I'll soon be right. What have you to confess now? It's just as well for two fellows to know the worst of one another before they begin to live together."

I laughed at this cross-examination. "I keep a bull pup," I said, "and I object to rows because my nerves are shaken, and I get up at all sorts of ungodly hours, and I am extremely lazy. I have another set of vices when I'm well, but those are the principal ones at present."

"Do you include violin-playing in your category of rows?" he asked, anxiously.

"It depends on the player," I answered. "A well-played violin is a treat
for the gods--a badly-played one----"

"Oh, that's all right," he cried, with a merry laugh. "I think we may consider the thing as settled--that is, if the rooms are agreeable to you."

- A Study In Scarlet, by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

Going for a song

2009-03-17T21:45:00.003+08:00

I've been subjecting myself to the whims and fancies of Malaysian radio for a while now, as I've been using my mum's car since the car crash. It only has one slot for cds as compared to the multislot thing I have in the boot of my last car which lets me switch cds easily.

Did anyone notice that Malaysian radio stations play the same songs over and over and over again? I mean they always used to do that to some extent but nowadays you can expect to hear Taylor Swift's "Love Story" playing on 4 stations at the same time ever so often. Don't get me started on Rihanna - I made the big mistake of buying her cd only to find that the songs I want to hear are already overplayed on radio anyway. The stations are apparently too cheapskate to pay royalties for a bigger mix of songs and instead settle for getting a few 'hits' and playing them way past the point where people get sick of them.

So, what to do? Burn my own cd of course! Been awhile since I did that though. Back in high school I used to record songs on tape, and believe it or not my selections were so diverse and popular that my friends even asked me to choose songs and record compilations for them. But that was a long time ago when I had the time and interest to watch a great deal of MTV and Channel V on Astro.

Which means that most of the songs I want to burn are actually... not very fresh. Oh well! Here's the list of songs for my first music cd burning;

1. Catch, Kosheen

2. Jesus bleibet meine Freude, Richard Clayderman
(Not really the version I wanted...poor choice)

3. Breathless, the Corrs
(To me, it's the BFF theme song. Yeah, this song reminds me of you guys.)

4. Ozar Midrashim, by Information Society
(As heard in Soul Reaver. The tone of this track captures the betrayal, despair and feel of the world of Nosgoth, of an anti-hero seeking vengence.)

5. That's not my name, the Ting Tings
(Thanks to JL for introing to this great band!)

6. Tsuki no Mayu, Yoko Kanno
(from Turn A Gundam)

7. Lollipop, by Mika
(Tee hee.)

8. Feels like Falling, Mei Chern
(SUPERB Malaysian artist, go and listen to her now!)

9. Inner Universe, Yoko Anno
(from Ghost in the Shell)

10. Freshmen, the Verve Pipe

11. Leon's theme, Michuru Yamane
(from Castlevania, Lament of Innocence)

12. Poker Face, Lady Gaga

13. I saved the world today, Eurythmics

14. The Ballad of Tom Jones, Space and Cerys Matthews
(thanks Froggy!)

15. Rotterdam, the Beautiful South

16. Devotion, Tracy Chapman

17. Head over Heels, Alanis Morrisette

18. Still Alive, Lisa Miskovsky (Teddybears mix)
(If only clubs would play this song sometimes)

19. Rei I
(Rei Ayanami's theme from Neon Genesis Evangelion.)

Used Roxette's style of alternating slow ballads type songs with fast, songs. It works pretty well, keeps the mood of the songs fresh.

-------

I'm still trying to find some other songs though, lost since long ago;

1. Counting Blue Cars, Dishwalla
2. Stay (at home, at work, at play), Ann Louise (from the album Wonder Wheel)
3. Attack of the Killer Tomatoes (intro song)
4. Little Bunny Hop Hop Hop, PDQ Bach

Found a vid for that last one.=:3

Gym daze II

2009-03-12T16:32:00.003+08:00

So I went to the gym.

Mind you, I've been to gyms before. Back at Melaka there was this old gym run by Gan Boon Leong himself. That's a small little gym with some facilities and a cheap membership/entrance fee.

The large gyms in KL are a completely different cup of tea, as you well know. For one thing, the gyms are huge and sprawling with facilities of every kind (except a punching bag) all over the place. Pretty lucrative business. That and these gyms conduct aerobic classes of all kinds. These include Body Jam, Body Combat, Body Step, Body Pump... wait, Body what???

You want me to lift this to the tune "All Things (Just Keep Getting Better)" by Widelife? Isn't that a weeeee bit extreme?

"Pump" in a gym context normally refers to pushing barbells and heavy weights. So the name Body Pump refers to ...musical weight lifting?

Me: So you lift weights to the music?
Jr.: Yes.
Me: Like aerobics workouts, but with heavy weights?
Jr.: Why not?
Me: Am I the only person who sees something wrong with that???

Well, I did it anyway. And yes, it was weight lifting with music, though thankfully Jr. had the sense to give me only 2.5 kg weights on each end of the rod, while he used 5kg weights himself.

(Honestly, it feels kind of embarrassing when someone smaller than you lifts double your weights. No offense, Jr.! )

What was it like? A real work out, surely. But it was the reverse of everything I've heard about how to gain muscle mass. Wasn't it supposed to be few repetitions with heavy weights, not many many maaaaaany repetitions with light weights? And why the heck was the music so, er, 'gay' in taste?

Kind of interesting and fun though, I admit. I had to watch myself as due to the aerobic nature of the workout I was in danger of getting dizzy more than muscle strain. When that happens in full swing, it takes *hours* to shake off. Fortunately, due to experience with that sort of thing I warned Jr. beforehand and he sent me away for a much needed sugar-filled drink of ice lemon tea before continuing.

So I survived my first Body Pump class! Whoohoo! Thanks to Jr. and his bf for inviting me and watching out for me throughout the class.

Pity they don't have punching bags though.

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For information on some research on the efficacy of Body Pump, check out this article.

Basically, it appears to be a great way to build muscle endurance, but you don't really expect to see fast gains in muscle mass if you're already quite fit (which I'm not). Interestingly, you stand to lose more fat through Body Pump than the other regimes like Body Jam, Step and Attack and Combat.

There's no doubting it's a good workout for beginners like me though.

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*You know your perspective has changed when you start using 'gay' as an adjective in reference to 'gay culture'.